Friday, 6 February 2009

Self Indulgent Nonsense. Please Ignore - I'm Just Venting.

I'm in the throes of setting up the ol' massage business, which means designing cards and posters, sorting out how much I'm going to charge, getting insurance, and starting to figure out a Plan of Action for building clients. And, because there's so much to do, I decided today would be a great day to start clearing out the stable, which is still full of boxes from the move. Fisher has been in a bit of a state of unhappiness, anger and frustration over the last few days, feeling like there's a neverending stream of chores and everything's just getting on top of her. I know how she feels, albeit in a less specific way. I don't fret over piles of chores, but sometimes it just seems like life's one long highway of dullness and nothing good will ever happen again. Everyone and everything seems horrible, the weather will never improve, you will never feel 'normal' again, and you might as well just curl up into a ball and die. Usually, I can pull myself out of this by hearing a chord sequence that catches my heart, such as in Chariot by Gavin DeGraw (0.53m), or seeing a red squirrel, or thinking of something new and fun to do, like climbing, or learning to knit, or playing a new song on the joanna - but I don't know what it is at the moment, I just can't seem to get out of this rut. Perhaps it's the memorial service curling its shadow over me. Maybe it's the knowledge that some of those dearest to me are unhappy. Maybe it's because I'm a depressive. Maybe it's because the moon is in Virgo and the sun up Mystic Meg's arse - who knows or cares? The point is, the only way out is to do, do, do - and that's not easy when all you want to do is sit around, but when you sit around all you do is think over all the things that are depressing you. When Fisher's blue or angry she goes to the gym, which really helps. Not me. Because exercise is an 'empty headed' activity, as I call it, I just end up filling my head with dark thoughts and obsessing even more.

I'm a hopeless case, I tell you. And if there's one thing I hate more than anything else it's self pity. Well, that and self-righteousness. And self-obsession. And vanity. And selfishness. And ...

Yes, another thing I tend to do is spend far too much time thinking about what I hate. I should stop that.

So, the point of all this crap-o-la is that I spent a long time trying to occupy my mind today. First I went through some matters of business and confirmed to myself that, yes, I will be poor for as long as this bear market lasts. Then I paid some bills, thus hastening the aforementioned poverty. Then I sorted out my insurance for massage. Then I was at a loss as to what to do next, so I decided now would be the ideal time to clear the stable. I was feeling pretty wired from a cup of coffee with only a slice of toast (yes, my appetite's off, too), so a rare burst of energy inspired me to go and throw rubbish into piles and move bits of remaining furniture into the house. Fisher helped me, which was a good job because I was almost sent into a towering fury within the first two minutes. My bike had had its wheels taken off for transport purposes, and while it seemed a simple enough matter to put them back on again, I managed to make it considerably more arduous than it need be. I had everything on but the wheel wouldn't turn - until Fisher pointed out that the wheel wasn't clipped into place. Nor were the brakes attached properly. And the chain was going round the gear cog.

After removing the back wheel and kicking it about the driveway for a bit, Fisher and I managed to work out how the brakes were attached, how the chain went on etc etc, and all was well. It actually only took us about 10 minutes from start to finish, but in my current dangerous mood it was about 9 minutes 30 seconds too much for my patience.

After working our way through one of the stalls, we decided it was time to call it a day. We bundled the dogs into the car and went off to Five Mile Wood for a good stride through the snow. It was a lovely, fresh walk, with the sun shining (until it went down) and the air crisp but not too cold. The dogs romped off their leads ... and then Bridie ran away. We could hear her screaming with excitement in the distant trees as she flushed some poor prey, and we stopped at once and began calling. Both dogs were nowhere to be seen, but after a couple of minutes Baffie came galumphing along the road, looking exhausted but pleased with herself. Bridie, however, remained AWOL. She'd stopped squealing and the woods yielded nothing but silence. Fisher went off on her own to see if Bri had emerged onto the path ahead of us - but she was nowhere to be seen or heard. I tried to go into the woods, but the ground was completely sodden and overgrown and I couldn't go more than a few metres. I kept up a permanent whistling and calling, until eventually deciding to backtrack in the hopes she'd followed our scent and was following.

No luck.

I was starting to feel pretty sick by this point. The A9, while being a good distance away, was by no means out of her reach, and if she got the scent of something who knew how far she'd chase it? Terrible thoughts went through my mind ... and then I heard Fisher's joyful shout. Out of the woods came Bridie, covered in snow and panting merrily, butter simply unable to melt in her mouth. I resisted the temptation to staple her to the nearest tree, instead praising her for returning - even if it was in her own fucking time.

We returned to the car with both dogs on leads.

Starving, we went to the Perthshire Visitor Centre for some moderately pleasant Panninis and a coffee - and then home. That brings us up to date - and something has already occurred to cheer me up. Koi has sent an email saying she'd love to go to a hotel for a weekend, that she insists on shouting us dinner, and that she's getting a Blackberry to help with work. The fact she sounds cheerful has really lifted my spirits. Now we just have to let Barry choose the date, so we can fit in with his term schedule.

Little things can make all the difference.

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