Friday, 20 June 2008

Plans, Plans, Plans

Fisher and I are still dithering over a noneymoon. Actually, that's not strictly true. I'm still dithering, Fisher has her head firmly in the new house. She's already stripped it bare, redecorated, got bored, redecorated again, built an extension, knocked it down, built a workshop, changed her job, knocked the workshop down, tired of the house, sold it, and now has her sights set on somewhere a little bigger ... like Scone Palace.

So it doesn't really look like we'll get away for a noneymoon - but I've decided to write a list of places in the world I want to visit, ostensibly so I can order them in my mind, but basically because I'm bored. Again. So here are a few places of interest off the top of my head:

1. Antarctica. Pros: Beautiful. No chance of illness as no germs can live there. No people. Probably no chance of sunburn. Cons: Might die. Probably have to get there by rickety tug boat and live off ship's biscuit.
2. Alaska. Pros: Beautiful. Quiet. Low in population. Outdoorsy. Cons: Might get eaten by a bear. Or wolf. Or hungry, Deliverance-type American.
3. San Francisco. Pros: Should probably make a Gay Pilgrimage at some point in my life. (Is there a pink rock to walk widdershins round? Or a gay wall where I'm supposed to whisper Indigo Girls lyrics? Or perhaps a shrine to saint Hairy Mary of the Dungarees at which to light a candle? There - I think I've offended every major religion equally. Ever the pioneer for equality, me.) Also, pretty. Also, lots to see. Also, good food. Cons: Might get eaten by a terrorist. Might get set on fire by a religious nutball. Might get run over by a cable car. Might have to mingle with Lots of People.
4. Italy. Pros: Steeped in history. Beautiful. Food. Fabulous hotels. Cons: Can't understand a bloody word and will end up shouting English loudly at them and demanding egg and chip for tea. May get set on fire by a religious nutball - maybe the Pope. Might get into a big argument about transubstantiation and get excommunicated. Might get eaten by lions in the arena. Fisher might fall in love with some Italian woman who cooks pasta and tidies up after herself.
5. Argentina. Pros: New continent. Beautiful countryside. Great footie. Great nightlife, should we manage to stay up beyond 10.30pm. Cons: Argentinians hate the British. Will undoubtedly have to endure much mockery over the England footie team. Can't understand a bloody word (see point 4). Would rather go to Argentina with Phid and round up cattle on horseback in the pampas (something we ought to do sooner rather than later, otherwise pampas will turn into Pampers).
6. Japan. Pros: Beautiful. Incredible culture. Already feel I know it from playing a lot of Onimusha on PS2. Hilarious menu translations. Great food. Good tourist trade. Cons: Long flight. Might get attacked by Genma, and I do not descend from the Oni. Big cities, lots of people, all of whom will be 1/3rd my size and stare in horror as my arse gets stuck in one of their teeny tiny toilets.
7. Easter Island. Pros: There are massive heids on it - even more massive than Fisher's - and I want to see them. One of the most isolated places on earth. Intriguing, unique culture. Very beautiful. Friendly people. Have to go to Chile first, so double holiday. Cons: Very, very long trip. Might get eaten by a massive heid.

That's all I can think of right now. Obviously there are lots more places, but they're the ones top of my list.

Oo - Fisher has also been doing the wording of our civil ceremony. The original was so hilarious I feel I ought to share at least some of it with people. Here, for example, is one of the suggested readings (complete with poor grammar).


Love is giving, not taking
Mending, not breaking,
trusting, believing, Never deceiving,
patiently bearing and faithfully sharing
Each joy, every sorrow, today and tomorrow.

Love is kind, understanding, but never demanding.
Love is constant, prevailing, its strength never failing.
A promise once spoken, for all time unbroken,
Love's time is forever.

And now say "I do"
Before we all spew.

Can you imagine Fisher and me standing there listening to that? We'd just be staring at the registrar with our mouths open while Arrow and Lu tried really, really hard not to lie on the floor and howl.

Hark! I hear the sounds of Fisher returning. She's been off for a dress fitting and I want to hear all about it. She was worried. She needs her henchwomen to help her out.