Greetings, people. How long it's been! I apologise for not keeping the old Blog-o up to date, but I've been slightly busy. Let me give you a brief rundown of events, in bullet-point form.

Ahurrrrrm.

* Diet: Hopeless. Been eating like a horse, and not only has amount been an issue, but quality as well. Being so busy means I've not cooked properly for weeks. A vegetable is a rare sight indeed - and while we hoped to get back on track after the craziness subsided, that just hasn't happened. It's been a bit of an eye-opener, and a depressing one at that, seeing just how easy it is to slip back into very bad habits. It's been years since I've eaten the way I am at the moment, and now there's really no excuse to do so you'd think we'd go back to our healthier ways. But no. Food really is an addiction, and one I'm determined to break. So:

*Exercise: See above. Went for my first run in over 2 weeks yesterday. Headed out the front door, up the road (which I thought was going to be flat, but proved to be a steady climb for over a mile) and ran for 15 minutes. I then ran back, feeling like shite. Still, I completed a half hour run, and was hoping I'd got close to 3 miles in that time. I didn't have a Garmin with me, so could only estimate distance by time run - but I knew Fisher was going out later and would measure it for me. She did. Result? In just under 30 minutes, she claimed I ran 2.4 miles. Two. Point four. I was gutted. My only hope was that the Garmin didn't like our new area, and was playing up - so I measured it in the car, later. Result? 2.2 miles. Fuckaduck. The Garmin is obviously MUCH more accurate.
* Moving: Has happened! We're now happily ensconsed in our new country house, which is charming and wonderful - as are our friends, who gaily helped us move, with the only payment being some roast chicken and copious amounts of booze. Fisher was quite amazed at how much got done in a single day - especially conisdering how little has got done in 3 months by the builders. I'm telling you - there's a fortune to be made by someone with some vague organisational skills who fancies going into the building trade. It's a mess. We've been here nearly a week now, and we've seen 1 brickie and 1 roofer - that's it. No joiner, no plumber, no chief - nothing. I am PISSED OFF. The chief is supposed to be coming round today, but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none, especially after Fisher sent a snotty text and got a slightly snotty one back, leading to yet more outpourings of snot from her, and back and forth it goes. Hey ho. If things are not PERFECT for sister's arrival, I shall withhold payment.

So that's the bullet-point version. What else is there to say? We're having a merry old time exploring the area, but less of a merry old time with the geothermal heating, which is supposed to heat both the house radiators and the water. We've managed to get the water heater to click across, by manually putting the thermostat-dial-thingy on the hot water heater right down to the bottom - but so far, no luck with it automatically doing it itself. And the hot water is barely warm enough to wash your hands - you certainly couldn't have a bath, or really even a shower. We don't get it, and are living off the ermersion heater right now, which is not the idea at all. Still, at least we can get hot water when we want it.

I'm boring myself. God knows how many readers I've got left after my hiatus - and now this load of drivel. I shall stop, and only return with wildly amusing/entertaining things to say.

We're off to see Quantum of Solace tonight with the gang in Edinburgh. I hope it's better than its title. See ya!

Shaaaaame ...

Yes, well, the old diet is going well. Ahem. Yesterday I consumed a full Scottish breakfast - something akin to pouring lard directly into the arteries. However, I did have a good supper and needed no lunch.

Yesterday Breakfast: 1 3/4 sausages, fried egg, 1 piece white toast, 1/2 piece black pudding, 1/2 piece haggis, mushrooms, 2 rashers bacon. All fried. All evil. 2 cups coffee.
Lunch: A slightly sick feeling from too much breakfast
Supper: 1 sea bass, roasted, stuffed with fresh coriander, ginger, garlic, spring onions. Stir fried veg - red & yellow pepper, broccoli, peas, sweetcorn - in sherry & kikkoman. Rice.

We had Phid round for supper, though, so all that was destroyed by the consumption of a citrus tart with cream (quite a small tart, but still ...)

Today has started well enough though, with a yoghurt for breakfast (and usual vat of coffee). May it continue.

Food - O Why Are You So Good?

So, I managed to order fish at Janus's birthday party!

Hurrah!

Unfortunately, I failed to realise it would be deep fried and covered in crispy, crispy goodness.

Hurroo.

I also failed to resist pudding, or a small vat of alcohol, which left me feeling quite unpleasant the next day. On the other hand, it was a very fine evening of fun and yammer with all my best pals, so sod it.

During the course of the evening, a conversation cropped up that has cropped up before. It's a bone of considerable contention between me and the rest of the Cheese Board, so I think it's about time I addressed it in Blog form.

If a Higher Power were to descend to earth and declare you able only to consume EITHER potatoes OR rice, but not both - which would you choose?

I have always said I would choose rice. Potatoes are heavenly in all their forms - but the thought of going without them doesn't fill me with the sort of horror as forgoing all rice forever more. Yea, verily, I love rice. It's all the flavours I assosciate with rice that are so joyous, so clean and fragrant: ginger, lemongrass, soya sauce, coriander ... the list goes on. How could I live without them?

"I have only one thing to say to you," Koios said, belligerantly.

"And that is?"

"Dauphinoise!"

But no, I wouldn't be swayed. I was insulted, scorned, mocked and spat upon - but my course remains true. Rice is the food of my soul, and I'll stand by it.

In fact, I'm standing by it to such an extent that I have GIVEN UP POTATOES. Yes folks, just to see if I'm right, I'm going on a spud-free diet. I cannot consume it in any form - not baked, boiled, mashed, roasted, sautéed, Dauphinoised, au gratinated. I cannot let past my lips: chips, crisps, potato waffles, hash browns ... you get the idea. Spuds are OUT.

On the other hand, I can eat bread, pasta, noodles, tortillas, and, of course, rice. Riiiice. Oh - and, because they're only distantly related to potatoes, sweet potatoes (yams) are ok too. Unless someone wants to object, of course, in which case, to save argument I'd cut them out as well.

The ban on spuds will last for at least 2 weeks, but for as a long as I wish to implement it in order to either prove my point, or fall on my starchy sword and admit I am WRONG.

So there. And now on to the dullness that is the food diary.

Today:

Breakfast: 1 bowl crunchy nut cornflakes, skimmed milk, coffee.
Lunch: 1/2 bowl Mexican corn chowder, 1/2 bagel with cream cheese & smoked salmon.
Supper: Stir fry chicken and noodles. Pudding: mug hot chocolate, piece tablet.

Result? I feel fat and sick.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but ...

Fuck.

Just got on the scales. Since my lightest, I've put on 9 pounds. Yes, 9 pounds. Granted, I got down to my lightest owing to a nasty tummy bug, but even from my healthy lightest I've put on about half a stone. It's time for some drastic action.

Yes folks. I'm going back on a Diet.

See the capital 'D'? Indeed. It's a proper one. This means that I'll be going back to monitoring what I eat and noting it down in extraordinarily dull fashion in my blog. Seeing as I'm here already, I might as well put down what I've had so far today:

Breakfast - 2 slices white toast with Clover. 1 small vat of coffee. Skimmed milk, 2 sweeteners. To save me writing that last bit down every time, when I say 1 coffee it means with skimmed milk and 2 sweeteners, unless specified. Clear? Good.

Lunch - 30g bowl crunchy nut cornflakes. Skimmed milk.

That is all.

Unfortunately, we're off out to Edinburgh for Janus's 31st birthday tonight (unfortunately for my diet - otherwise, yay!) and being on a diet in a restaurant is just Boresville - for everyone. I shall endeavor to have fish, and no pudding.

Ha. Fat - literally - chance. I am weak.

Gym

Today I massaged the Dentist. She is crazy, in a slightly New Age kind of way, and slightly school-marmish - but I have to admit I kind of fancy her like mad. Fisher thinks this rather funny. In fact, when I said I thought she was fanciable, she looked at me and said:

"I knew at some point you'd say that."

Hm. Clearly Fisher has a highly attuned sense of my taste in women.

At this point I should probably mention that this is a matter of aesthetics. I don't get all twittery and girlish in her presence or anything. It's all very detatched - honest.

Interesting thing about massage. Not being a particularly touchy-feely person, I did worry that the act of performing a massage itself would cause me discomfort - and yet nothing could be further from the truth. Massage is like working out a puzzle with your fingers, while wearing a blindfold. It's all about picturing the muscles beneath the skin, 'seeing' the adhesions, micro-tears, oedemas etc and imagining your hands repairing damage. I think of it as very medical - although, not being a medical person I can't really compare. But when a doctor looks at someone he or she sees a living machine, to be fixed or maintained. It's kind of like that - although with massage therapy being used so heavily in stress reduction, you don't want to get too impersonal.

What I really love about massage is the creativity it allows. The strokes themselves are all a matter of repitition - but people are so different, with different physical and emotional needs, that the best way of providing effect treatment plans is to think of new and different ways of applying those strokes. Plus, with stress relief, there are lots of therapeutic techniques to try out - some you read about, some you invent - and as long as you don't stray into areas that are beyond your abilities, and stay within sensible parameteres, you can have quite a free rein.

I digress. I really only sat down to make a record of my gym session today. After massaging Dentist (who really ought to have a better pseudonym) I went to East Sands Leisure Centre and did a 5k run in 29.24 on the treadmill. I probably ran for a couple of minutes more than that, though, as I decided to start out on a 'weight loss' programme. Unfortunately, I think the machine was broken, as, randomly, it suddenly started whirring and put up the elevation. I knew it was going to after a few minutes - but this happened when the screen showed us still, supposedly, on the flat. The inclination was only supposed to go up to about 3 or 4, too, and this just kept on going! Pretty soon I was gasping, squawking, and hanging on to the handlebars. I just about managed to hit the stop button, while Fisher tried not to laugh as she ran on the machine next to me.

Anyway, I decided it was safer to stick to the usual boring flat run. It was tedious in the extreme, and I am absolutely exhausted from it. I was doing a basic rate of 6 mph, then speeding up to 7 for a minute, then 6.5, then 7, then 6 when I got tired ... and it nearly killed me. Sad. I'm sure I've lost a lot of fitness. And replaced it with fatness. Booo.

After the treadmill I did a weights rotation: Bicep Curl (on 35kg), Chest Press (35, then down to 30), Shoulder Press (20, then 15), Lat Pull (30), Hip Abductor (?), Stomach Press (on 1o. Is that 100kg?), then round again, 3 times in total.

I'm a bit fed up with fitness instructors, actually. Nobody seems to know how much the weight divisions are. It's almost as though the actual weight isn't important when, secretly, everyone knows it is. So if anyone out there knows what the standard weight division is for each machine, let me know. At the moment I'm figuring each arm-based machine at 5kg divisions, and each leg one at 10kg. I don't have any clue what the stomach machine would be. Any info would be gratefully received - in lbs or kgs.

After the gym we walked the pooches, came home, and cooked supper. Now I'm planning on going to bed and watching Star Trek Voyager. Hmm ... it's just struck me that the Dentist is a very little bit like Kathryn Janeway. Maybe that explains it ...